I want to say something, but I don't know what.
I want to talk to someone, but I don't know what to say.
I feel different, weird, not myself.
I am insecure, lonely, trapped in my mind with nothing but my own traitorous thoughts.
I thought I could just cruise right through this, take it at my own pace.
But the word doesn't wait. Your heart doesn't change over night as much as we want it to.
We cannot just sit back and wait for it all to come, we have to take that leap of faith, and not just once, but every day, every morning that I wake up and I need to make that decison that I am going to leave it in His very capable hands as much as I want to take it and run.
I need to surrender.
I need to remind myself that everyday.
Surrender.
Surrender.
He is watching out for me.
He has a plan for me.
And it is killing me to wait, but I have to do it anyways.
I am so unsure of what I am to do. Unsure of how others see me, of Gods plan for my life, and what I am supposed to do. It seems obvious, but I don't like the answer. I want specifics, exact instructions of what the next move is to be. What choice I need to make.
This neverending spiral is driving me crazy. LORD, help me out please!
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Encouragement
It is my friends birthday today. I met him last summer at camp. He is one of the counsellors for the week that I now volunteer at and he is an awesome guy; he is that super older brother that is distant in years, but close in friendship. I messaged him today saying how blessed I am to know him, and this was his reply:
"the honor is mine
really looking forward to next year.
i remember your talk about deciding what to do ur direction in life and what ultimately god wants to do in ur life and through ur life.u are a very sharp cookie. listen to your heart and keep in the word. he will reveal all in time. and if ur not getting an answer right away there might be a reason ;)
chin up he's given u amazing talent with ur V-ball just like me with my football but god is using it in other ways for me(like nearly throwing my arm out on the hike or teaching the guys on Thursday when we played flag football) u never know what will happen.
LOVE YA"
Wow....This literally blew me away! He said to me things that I needed to hear. I have been praying and praying and PRAYING for something, but God is not answering, at least in the way I want Him to. Tony is right. He will reveal all in time. I might not be getting the answer I want right away for a reason, and that's fine. I need to continue to listen to my heart and dive into His word. That has always been a struggle for me, but I intend to overcome and defeat it.
We all need someone like Tony in our lives, who know just enough about us to give us a warm hug when needed, a encouraging word without realizing it, or a kick in the butt when its been a long time coming. Tony is a part of my Waterbuffalo herd. The one that will face down the lions and the crocodiles and bring me back into safety.
My prayers are this:
That I would continue to rest in God. That I would seek Him first in everything and dive into His word head first, letting nothing stop me. I pray that you would also find the strength to turn to Him in everything, in every way, everyday of your life, and look for Him in this crazy world we live in. Don't make time for Him, make time for this life and this world, because knowing Him and reading His word should be the most important part of your day. Second, I pray that everyone could find that special Waterbuffalo momma (or papa) in their life that they can turn to for help when the lions are nipping at their heals.
Keep Prayin and God Bless
"the honor is mine
really looking forward to next year.
i remember your talk about deciding what to do ur direction in life and what ultimately god wants to do in ur life and through ur life.u are a very sharp cookie. listen to your heart and keep in the word. he will reveal all in time. and if ur not getting an answer right away there might be a reason ;)
chin up he's given u amazing talent with ur V-ball just like me with my football but god is using it in other ways for me(like nearly throwing my arm out on the hike or teaching the guys on Thursday when we played flag football) u never know what will happen.
LOVE YA"
Wow....This literally blew me away! He said to me things that I needed to hear. I have been praying and praying and PRAYING for something, but God is not answering, at least in the way I want Him to. Tony is right. He will reveal all in time. I might not be getting the answer I want right away for a reason, and that's fine. I need to continue to listen to my heart and dive into His word. That has always been a struggle for me, but I intend to overcome and defeat it.
We all need someone like Tony in our lives, who know just enough about us to give us a warm hug when needed, a encouraging word without realizing it, or a kick in the butt when its been a long time coming. Tony is a part of my Waterbuffalo herd. The one that will face down the lions and the crocodiles and bring me back into safety.
My prayers are this:
That I would continue to rest in God. That I would seek Him first in everything and dive into His word head first, letting nothing stop me. I pray that you would also find the strength to turn to Him in everything, in every way, everyday of your life, and look for Him in this crazy world we live in. Don't make time for Him, make time for this life and this world, because knowing Him and reading His word should be the most important part of your day. Second, I pray that everyone could find that special Waterbuffalo momma (or papa) in their life that they can turn to for help when the lions are nipping at their heals.
Keep Prayin and God Bless
Monday, August 03, 2009
The One
Isn't God good!?!?!?!?
When we call, He answers.
When we are tired, He gives us rest
When we are sad, He comforts us
And when we turn our backs on Him, He simply follows us around until we come back to our senses and seek Him first when we have problems.
God is good :)
Not only is He good, but also understanding and always drawing us closer by constantly teaching us new things.
Lately I have been struggling with putting my trust in God as many of you know. At camp last week when I shared my testimony, I sensed a change in not only the lives of those who I shared with, but also my own life. I know that it is going to be a turning point in my life where I put God first everyday in everything. And it has been going really good so far! When I start to worry and wonder about what life is going to throw at me next, I turn to God immediately and pray that He would take control of the situation that I am finding myself in.
The situation that I keep finding myself in is wanting to find that "special someone". To find "the one". It is a struggle that I constantly face because I have this burning desire to share a deep relationship with someone special and close to me. Yes, I have a group of friends who know me just as much as I know myself, but that is not enough. There are just some things you can't share with your friends or family. Somethings that are on your heart for "the one" and "the one" alone. So, due to my knew understanding of God and learning to trust in Him, I am actually hearing when He calls to me.
Years ago when I first wanted to find that special someone, I had this feeling that I should seek God first, and once I had that intimate relationship with Him that the Bible always talks about, then, and ONLY then would God put that special someone into my life. Years went by, I had my ups and downs with God, and I remember writing something along these lines:
"I am hurting because I do not love myself. And if I do not love myself, how can others love me? If anyone is to ever love me, I must learn to love myself, and to love my God, the one who gave His life for me because He loved me first"
God wants to have an intimate relationship with us. When I first heard this, I was like 'hold the phone! a WHAT relationship?!?!'. An intimate one. Not physically, but the kind that is indescribable. The kind that will stand the test of time, of fire, of hurt, and happiness. The kind that would make others long to have that same kind of relationship. In order to have this relationship, there are only a few things we have to do, but we must do them diligently and with a purpose.
1) In all things PRAY!!
The way we talk with our creator is through prayer. Whenever there is something going wrong, we must turn to God first. When we are happy, praise Him and thank Him. Make praying a habit that you do not on a monthly or daily basis, but hourly, even on a minute to minute basis. If that is what it takes to stay connected to your creator, then that is what you gotta do! You can pray out loud, in your head, or keep a prayer journal that you can flip back through to see all the amazing ways that God answers prayers!
2)Dive into His Word
This is sometimes the hardest thing to do as a Christian. Reading the Bible is hard, if you are not doing it with a purpose. Pick a book like 1 Corinthians or Romans that are letters to the new churches. If you are having problems in your walk with God, it is most likely that they had the same obstacles to overcome that have you halted in the mud. Try finding a book designed to get you thinking about a specific book of the bible or a topic that perks your interest. You are more likely to get something out of it if you are enjoying what you are reading.
I guess in the end, though I feel like I am longing for "the one", my heart is really crying out to The One who is the Lord of All, my God of Hope, the Creator of Love and the Prince of Peace.
God Bless.
When we call, He answers.
When we are tired, He gives us rest
When we are sad, He comforts us
And when we turn our backs on Him, He simply follows us around until we come back to our senses and seek Him first when we have problems.
God is good :)
Not only is He good, but also understanding and always drawing us closer by constantly teaching us new things.
Lately I have been struggling with putting my trust in God as many of you know. At camp last week when I shared my testimony, I sensed a change in not only the lives of those who I shared with, but also my own life. I know that it is going to be a turning point in my life where I put God first everyday in everything. And it has been going really good so far! When I start to worry and wonder about what life is going to throw at me next, I turn to God immediately and pray that He would take control of the situation that I am finding myself in.
The situation that I keep finding myself in is wanting to find that "special someone". To find "the one". It is a struggle that I constantly face because I have this burning desire to share a deep relationship with someone special and close to me. Yes, I have a group of friends who know me just as much as I know myself, but that is not enough. There are just some things you can't share with your friends or family. Somethings that are on your heart for "the one" and "the one" alone. So, due to my knew understanding of God and learning to trust in Him, I am actually hearing when He calls to me.
Years ago when I first wanted to find that special someone, I had this feeling that I should seek God first, and once I had that intimate relationship with Him that the Bible always talks about, then, and ONLY then would God put that special someone into my life. Years went by, I had my ups and downs with God, and I remember writing something along these lines:
"I am hurting because I do not love myself. And if I do not love myself, how can others love me? If anyone is to ever love me, I must learn to love myself, and to love my God, the one who gave His life for me because He loved me first"
God wants to have an intimate relationship with us. When I first heard this, I was like 'hold the phone! a WHAT relationship?!?!'. An intimate one. Not physically, but the kind that is indescribable. The kind that will stand the test of time, of fire, of hurt, and happiness. The kind that would make others long to have that same kind of relationship. In order to have this relationship, there are only a few things we have to do, but we must do them diligently and with a purpose.
1) In all things PRAY!!
The way we talk with our creator is through prayer. Whenever there is something going wrong, we must turn to God first. When we are happy, praise Him and thank Him. Make praying a habit that you do not on a monthly or daily basis, but hourly, even on a minute to minute basis. If that is what it takes to stay connected to your creator, then that is what you gotta do! You can pray out loud, in your head, or keep a prayer journal that you can flip back through to see all the amazing ways that God answers prayers!
2)Dive into His Word
This is sometimes the hardest thing to do as a Christian. Reading the Bible is hard, if you are not doing it with a purpose. Pick a book like 1 Corinthians or Romans that are letters to the new churches. If you are having problems in your walk with God, it is most likely that they had the same obstacles to overcome that have you halted in the mud. Try finding a book designed to get you thinking about a specific book of the bible or a topic that perks your interest. You are more likely to get something out of it if you are enjoying what you are reading.
I guess in the end, though I feel like I am longing for "the one", my heart is really crying out to The One who is the Lord of All, my God of Hope, the Creator of Love and the Prince of Peace.
God Bless.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
The Only Antidote
When the LORD says to me: "Come"
I run into His open arms
When the LORD says to me: "Wait"
I sit as still as stone
When the LORD says to me: "Yes"
I rejoice and praise His name
When the LORD says to me: "No"
I ponder His answer and continue to wait on Him
When the LORD says to me: "Listen"
I kneel at His feet and give Him my undivided attention
But when the LORD says to me: "Please Trust Me!"
I pretend that I have not heard Him. I ignore Him for a time until He is in my face, yelling, screaming, trying to get my attention. I begin to wander and stray because I never know what to do. Trust is one of those words that scare the pants off of me. I am so afraid of being torn apart, that I let the passion, confusion, anger, stress and pain well up inside of me and start to poison me from the inside out. Trust is the antidote that has been tested, tried and true, but I cannot bring myself to consume it. I cannot bare to bring it into my body, my heart, my soul. Simply because I want to keep it as mine. I don't want to share it with anything, or anyone. But that HAS to change. I cannot keep living like this. It is killing my heart, leaving it bloody and in unbearable pain. The only cure: GOD.
Time to go fulfill my prescription.
I run into His open arms
When the LORD says to me: "Wait"
I sit as still as stone
When the LORD says to me: "Yes"
I rejoice and praise His name
When the LORD says to me: "No"
I ponder His answer and continue to wait on Him
When the LORD says to me: "Listen"
I kneel at His feet and give Him my undivided attention
But when the LORD says to me: "Please Trust Me!"
I pretend that I have not heard Him. I ignore Him for a time until He is in my face, yelling, screaming, trying to get my attention. I begin to wander and stray because I never know what to do. Trust is one of those words that scare the pants off of me. I am so afraid of being torn apart, that I let the passion, confusion, anger, stress and pain well up inside of me and start to poison me from the inside out. Trust is the antidote that has been tested, tried and true, but I cannot bring myself to consume it. I cannot bare to bring it into my body, my heart, my soul. Simply because I want to keep it as mine. I don't want to share it with anything, or anyone. But that HAS to change. I cannot keep living like this. It is killing my heart, leaving it bloody and in unbearable pain. The only cure: GOD.
Time to go fulfill my prescription.
Monday, October 06, 2008
First Things First
There comes a time in all of our lives where just sitting back and going through the motions is not enough. When the world seems to spin around us and we become lost and confused in the chaos of life. When passion dies and the fire burns out. When the light fades and the darkness encloses us and smothers us with stress, fear, regret, worry, anxiety, anger, frustration and the worst of all: emptyness. When the creator is calling out our names, shaking the mountains with His desire for us to draw near, yet we barely here a whisper on the wind. When our heavenly father has His arms wide open, tears steaming down His face, hushing our trembling and sobbing forms. That is when we need Him the most! When we pass the point where nothing in this world matters more than just finding peace and rest. When the only thing left to do is trust in the lord. THAT is when we find rest. THAT is when we find Joy. THAT is when we find peace. THAT is when we find hope. A hope that is never ending, all powerfull, omnipresent, everlasting, unmeaserable and without a doubt the one thing that will always be there for us. When we turn our backs to look back into the dark. When we look over our shoulders and give chaos a second glance. When we need to realize that it is GOD and GOD ALONE that will be there for us always. He will heal the hurt inside. He will cure our hearts of evil. He will wash away our sin, filling us with understanding, as long as we are open to the Holy Spirit who desires nothing else but to be with us. My parting wish as you ponder this is not unknown. Those who need it have found it. Those who have lost is will retreive it. And those who have it, should never, EVER let it go.
"May the GOD of Hope, fill you with all Joy and Peace, as you TRUST IN HIM"
Romans 15:13
"May the GOD of Hope, fill you with all Joy and Peace, as you TRUST IN HIM"
Romans 15:13
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